Monday, January 18, 2016

I really hate this time of year

It seems to me that most people start the new year with hope and a fresh start.

Not me.

It's my birthday month and I start to reflect on all the crap that went wrong the year before, the goals I didn't reach, how much more I weigh and how much more I can carry on my shoulders from this point forward.

I try to define myself and feel like I never can.

Yeah, it's not a happy time for me but I've never been that happy type of person.

If you're looking for sunshine and rainbows, move along to another blog. If you're not looking for that, I'll just remind you that misery loves company.

Every time this year, I am relieved that Christmas is over but at the same time I kind of miss it. It's always so stressful and I almost HATE every. single. second. of December.

"Next year it will be better".  I say this every year. I don't even think we listened to any Christmas music this year. Was I that busy?

The older the kids get, the less they need me and I don't know what to do with myself during the day when they're not here. Sometimes I just don't get out of bed. For days.

I've stopped cooking. I have 48 cans of soup in the pantry and there have been no complaints. No one misses my cooking so why should I bother?

I keep buying scrapbook supplies but haven't created anything in quite awhile. I'm not sure why. My newer scrapbooking material sits around my bed like a protective wall. All I want to do is sit down and create something but there is this invisible force that prevents me from doing so. "I'll do it tomorrow" is my usual saying.

I got a Cricut Explore for Christmas and I finally figured out how to use it and made Katrina a Chappie shirt.

So that's about the only thing I've done this year. I know it's only the 18th but I'm already feeling guilty for not doing much with the machine. I have intentions. That's all I have. Lots and lots and lots of intentions.

You know what is even worse? I haven't been to the shelter in a month. Maybe more. I have no desire to go back. I can't look at the animals' faces and I can't watch them die. And right now, burying my head in the sand feels a lot better than going in and dealing with the animals and some of the people that help them.

But, I know how I feel after visiting the animals. I mostly feel refreshed and rejuvenated and I really need to get my ass down there and walk a dog or something.

I also know I need a job. I was very disappointed when my seasonal Kohl's job was just that: Seasonal.

I took it harder than I thought. I spent a week sulking in bed watching every Girls episode on HBO.

At the end of the week, I got up and applied on-line to Tuesday Morning. I go there once a week so I thought that would be a good job for me. I was rejected within 30 minutes.

Oh, and lets not even start about the whole vet assistant/vet tech thing, OK? I still haven't decided if that was a mistake or not. I LOVED school and I graduated with honors but finding a job has been tough. There are also many aspects of the job that I don't think I like. My teacher warned me several times that I would need to grow a thicker skin.

But with even graduating with honors, I wasn't allowed to volunteer any of my newly learned skillz at PACC. They didn't want me in anywhere in their clinics. THAT stung. Badly. Very badly.

I remember sitting in the guy's office at PMI back in August 2014 and he asked me why I wanted to be a vet assistant/tech.

"Well", I started, "I want to educate people on vaccinations, spaying and neutering. I want to help the working poor keep their dogs healthy and loved".

"Oh!" he said. "You want to do God's work." I looked at him and blushed. I just wanted to help. Looking back on that conversation now I think, "I was so fucking naive". How could I be so naive at my age? How was I duped into thinking I could do something so remarkable?

I had been to Dog Patch, I had worked the SOS desk, I had worked at PACC and with rescues. I went to school to learn how to help.

I think I just want to put that on the back burner for awhile. Maybe there is something else I can do with animals. I applied at Petsmart today as either a cashier or dog bather.

I also applied at Hallmark as a merchandise re-stocker. I think I would be good at Hallmark as long as I don't read the cards. Some of you know how easy I cry, right? I'd probably get tears all over the cards and then I'd be fired for that.

Erik and I are still trying to catch up from when the UofA fucked us over so badly, leaving us unemployed for 7.5 months. I haven't even written about it and I'm not sure when or if I will. 

False rumors of our financial situation made the rounds through the family and horrible assumptions were made. I was caught off guard by one of the most insulting and degrading letters I've ever received. I answered the letter but Erik never allowed me to mail it.
We'll see what happens for 2016.

Sorry I'm in such a crappy mood.

I got it all out so maybe tomorrow will be better.

You know, fresh start and all.

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